Gen 2:24 Counter Culture?

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”

I’ve been praying for some sisters in the Lord who are having trouble in their marriages and I wanted to know what you guys think about Gen 2:24.

Here the most typical living situation is a joint family system as opposed to the nuclear family (husband, wife, kids) prevalent in much of the West (for lack of a better term). Joint family doesn’t just mean families living together, as some in the West do for reasons of finances or convenience. It means your every moment of every day life is combined with your extended family. All decisions are made as an extended group and there are complex dimensions of family politics constantly at play.

When a girl gets married, first of all it is traditionally arranged by her family. More liberal families allow the daughter to decide if she wants to accept or decline proposals, and some very liberal families allow their children to choose their own partners. This is rare and happens only in the upper classes. It is still not the norm to have an un-arranged marriage. Even many “love marriages” consist of a boy seeing a girl in the street and having his family find out who she is and propose to her. I’d like them to distinguish between love marriages, where you actually know the person, and “lust marriages” but that wouldn’t make it seem so dignified.

Even last week one of my friends was asking me to “find a girl” for her nephew to marry. She told me to bring his picture to the US and see if anyone was interested. I told her that in the US people tend to like to meet the person and know them for a while before they decide to get married. She said ok, “We can send him for a few weeks and he can find a girl at your marriage.” I had to tell her that a few weeks just wasn’t enough time, and that personally I had known my fiancé for about four years before deciding to get married. Even then we had only dated for a few months before getting engaged, so compared to American culture we were taking it quite fast! My friend finally started to realize that I couldn’t help with her matchmaking, and then went on to encourage her nephew to put in more effort at finding a nice girl.

When a girl gets married she usually moves in with her husband’s family. It’s more like she is marrying THEM, not just HIM. Husbands are completely subject to the whim of their parents, and usually dependent on them in the early years of marriage. A man will consider his closest bonds to be with his mother and his sisters, not with his wife. If a man’s sister or mother severely dislike his wife, he is likely to divorce her on these grounds. I’ve even been told that the closest relationship a man can have with a woman is with her sister, and his relationship with his wife is no where near as close.

Upon moving into the husband’ house the new wife immediately becomes subject to the in-laws. She must please them in everything. Her life becomes so intertwined with theirs that it is hard to say she and her husband have an independent relationship. Many times the only alone time the husband and wife is for sex (in which his pleasure is the goal, she is not supposed to enjoy it because it is an impure thing, she should not move or make any expressions), and otherwise there is no emotional or intellectual intimacy. Husbands use the wives as public showpieces of purity and prosperity, while they find their fulfillment in other ways such as pornography, keeping mistresses, or going to prostitutes.

The problem is that Christian marriages in this country are just like those described above. Born again husbands may not involve themselves in sexual immorality (they may), but this is certainly a poor picture to paint of what should be the relationship between Christ and the church. There are a lot of factors at play here, but I am starting to wonder if Gen 2:24 has something to do with it.

Since the husband-wife bond is not allowed to be so strong (cultural misconceptions about sexual intimacy, family power structures) it can never be in the way that God intended it to be. Instead of the husband and wife becoming one it is as if the wife is an appendage to her husband’s family. She is joined with them and not really with him, and besides that she is always treated as an outsider, a foreigner to their family. Unless she’s a cousin (cousin marriage is very popular), then maybe bridging this gap may not be as difficult. She is still treated as subordinate to the family, and even the husband is subordinate to the family.

This is not to say that we shouldn’t respect and honor our parents, but living under their complete dominance is another thing. I was wondering if it was just my Western upbringing that makes me cringe when I see joint family structures, or if it is something deeper. Now I am wondering if such a deeply imbedded joint family system can coincide with living as an example of Christ.

My Christian women friends long so much for intimacy with their husbands. They want time with them and they want to know them in a deeper way. Instead they are left at home with in laws and children and left to cry out to God for something more. Men here in the church (in general, there are a few exceptions I have met) also don’t see the woman as someone who should be spiritual first. I got criticized when teaching for a local women’s ministry that I didn’t make the messages “women focused.” They suggested I talk to the women about how to raise their kids and how to treat their husbands rather than on prayer, studying the Word and worshiping God.

If something is cultural, and not a hindrance to the gospel, I am completely ready to accept it. As Paul said, “I have become all things to all men.” Women here cover their heads when they pray, I do it. They are very careful not to leave their Bibles on the floor, this one is hard for me because I’m used to praying with my Bible on the floor, but when I’m with other believers I do it. They wear a scarf and conservative clothes, so do I. They communicate mostly with women at social gatherings, I do the same. They don’t eat pig and they don’t drink because these things are looked down upon by the whole society. While I’m with them neither do I, but I’m starting to think that the joint family thing is much deeper than not eating ham or covering the head. I am not sure that the husband and wife can be a model of Christ and the church within this cultural system.

Any insight?